The Secret American Pregnant Girl

Who else is crazy excited about the new season of SLotAT? The premiere is in TWO WEEKS, people. Which means you only have two weeks to hulu all the old episodes if you haven't seen them yet. And trust, you are going to want to have seen them. The show, for those of you who don't have the sense to have been watching it from the beginning, follows Amy Juergens who is fifteen and pregnant. For the first ten episodes or so I had no idea what any of the characters' names were and referred to them all as "Pregnant Girl," or "Christian Girl," or "Slutty Girl," or "Weird Monotone Sister." Seriously, they are all easily described in one word. Except Weird Monotone Sister, whose name, as it turns out, is Ashley. There are no words that can accurately describe that magic.

So at the end of the last season, Amy actually had her baby, decided to keep it, and named it John, all because her weird sister told her too. In monotone. That was the greatest monologue in the history of television, because it was dumb and un-inspirational and all one note. And also, why would anyone listen to what Ashley has to say? She is clearly some kind of robot, and doesn't feel emotion. What ever happened to that storyline where she was kind of a slutty goth? Did that just disappear? And what was up with that dumb running joke where no one knew how old she was? Did anyone actually think that was funny?

[Edit from D] So, here's a video of Ashley's speech that I made. Quality's not the greatest, but the speech is. Seriously. Best. Thing. Ever.

As you can see, this show leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Like, why doesn't Amy's hair EVER MOVE? Who was in charge of casting and what exactly is wrong with them? Is George on meth? Why couldn't Molly Ringwald get a better job than this? Is Ashley a robot? Is that Asian girl a robot? Why are there so many robots on this show? And most importantly, WHO IS WRITING THE WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE FOR THIS SHOW and why do they hate grammar? Because it is the greatest thing I've ever read. Seriously, go check it out right now for gems like:

Leo Boykewich- Ben's widowed father. He is known as "The Sausage King." He comforts Anne after she learns the truth about George. He trusts Ben to do the right thing and is one of the first to suspect Amy's pregnancy. He is also one of the first to find out that Ben and Amy got married illegally. He is of Italian descent, he has an accent. He helps Ben and Ricky care for the baby by giving them jobs at his butcher shop.

PURE GOLD. The dialogue on this show is simply spectacular, and the New York Post described the characters as "...real and come from families of all stripes — from intact to single-parent households to one boy in foster care..." which leads to the question- has the New York Post reviewer ever met a person before? Because it seems like anyone who's ever met a person before in their life couldn't possibly regard any character on this show as seeming "real." Of course, that's why we all love it. And that's why in two weeks I WILL be watching intently, and you should be too.