An Analysis of Weird British Candy

Does this blog still count? Whatevs. I'm using it anyway.

Internet, I'm in Scotland! Oh boy!

And what's the first thing you do when you visit a foreign country? Of course! You try all the weird candy there!

Here's what I bought today:

Because they are the weirdest sounding, I had to start off with the shrimps & bananas.

And, um, they're disgusting. They have the consistency of circus peanuts. The bananas taste like banana flavored candy, which is my least favourite (with a u because I'm in the UK) flavor anyway, but they also dissolve in your mouth in a really unsettling way.

The shrimps, thank god, are not actually shrimp-flavoured. They are still gross.

Next I tried the Chew-Its, which are kind of like

Now & Late

rs, but way, way stickier. They come in blackcurrant, strawberry, and fruit salad. The fruit salad was a little weird, but I liked the other two flavors, even though I typically hate blackcurrant.

Rowntree's Fruit Gums are as boring as their name.

They come in orange, lime, lemon, strawberry, and blackcurrant. WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE BLACKCURRANT, BRITAIN? IT'S GROSS. PUT IT AWAY. They're just generic fruit gummies, but really hard and kind of unpleasant to chew. They hurt my jaw.

I wanted a break from all the fruity candy, so I went for the chocolate buttons.

They're just plain milk chocolate circles. Classic and tasty.

Crunchie is described as "milk chocolate with golden honeycombed centre." I don't know what I expected exactly, but I was seriously confused when I took my first bite. The "golden honeycombed centre" is really, really weird. It grew on me eventually, but is not something I would buy again.

The StarBar is peanuts and caramel in a peanut nougat covered in milk chocolate.

I don't really see the necessity of having peanut nougat AND peanuts, but it was a perfectly fine candy bar.

The Double Decker is a god among candy bars. It's a layer of rice crispies and a layer of nougat covered in milk chocolate. Gigantic and delicious, for only 68 pence. They are made in Singapore and all the nutritional information (why even include it? it's candy) is written on the back in English and Arabic.

Someone told me when I bought it that they didn't really like the Twirl, and it does have kind of a strange texture. It's milk chocolate layered in weird twists that create a lot of air bubbles and then coated in more chocolate. Ultimately, despite the interesting shape, it's just straight-up chocolate. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Wispa is also straight up chocolate, but "aerated" with little air bubbles throughout to make it lighter. I don't know what's up with Brits and having holes in their chocolate, but it's perfectly fine, albeit weird in texture.

Aero's are seriously weird looking, but taste pretty good. I unknowingly bought the mint flavor because there is no indication of this other than the green bubbles on the wrapper. It's that same aerated chocolate, this time mint flavored and with bigger bubbles, covered in milk chocolate.

I could barely manage to eat the Highland Toffee because it was so sticky it felt like my teeth were being pulled out. Tastes like... well, toffee.

Fruit Salad tastes like Laffee Taffee.

It claims to be raspberry and pineapple but I seriously doubt anyone could taste the nuances of those two flavors. It just tastes like pink chewy goo, which is what it is.

WHAM may be even weirder than Shrimps & Bananas.

The first flavor, sour cherry, is a really sticky pink taffy-like substance with "tongue-tingling coloured crystals," which are like weak pop rocks. I must add, it was not at all sour.

The other flavor I bought was brew.

Yep, that's right, beer-flavored candy. It was bright orange and, weirdly, sour. Much more sour than the sour cherry flavor. I'm scared.

So if you ever find yourself in Scotland, go for the Chew Its, an Aero bar, Chocolate buttons, and DEFINITELY a Double Decker, but stay away from candy that's supposed to taste like alcohol or fish. That's good guidance for life anywhere, not just overseas.

This is a blog. We are bloggers. And what do bloggers do on Oscar night? Why, they live-blog the Oscars, of course! And so here we go.

This was a spur-of-the-moment decision, so I missed the red carpet, except for Gabby Sidibe, who looked fabulous and I love her, and Meryl Streep, who always looks fabulous and I always love her.

Fuck you Oscars for killing my soul. Halfway through my brain shut off and stopped making funny comments. Don't judge me. I just came from a weekend family reunion. I deserve to be rusty at this.

Ok, we're off. Jeff Bridges IS the Dude. That look proved it. Sandra Bullock has claimed that she doesn't think she's gonna win, but she looks like she does. Clooney looks as smug and hot as always. Helen Mirren is hot, in case you didn't notice. As is Colin Firth, who I also love. Carey Mulligan shouldn't have cut/dyed her hair. Mo'Nique and her hairy legs are looking great. I never thought I would turn on Morgan Freeman, but he CREEPS ME OUT now. Meryl Streep, as I said before, is fabulous as always, and Robin Williams is sitting next to Jennifer Lopez. Awesome.

8:31 My mom just called Invictus, Evita. what a great start to tonight.

Oh, NPH. I treasure you and your sparkly tuxedo. So much that I am willing to ignore this terrible song and just focus on how you should always be sparkly and have show girls with you.

WHAT THE HELL IS ATTACHED TO ANTONIO BANDERAS' BEAUTIFUL FACE? That beard might be even more tragic than Brad Pitt's.

I think Steve Martin is wearing a seat belt as he's being lowered to the stage. Oh dear. He's not THAT old.

OK, I stopped paying attention and I don't understand why everyone is picking on Meryl Streep. She's being a good sport though.

A Jerk reference! Awesome.

HOW DID JAMES CAMERON GET SO MANY PEOPLE TO MARRY HIM? Not an attractive man. Kathryn Bigelow, on the other hand, is looking fine.

Speaking of fine, Clooney is pissed. I'm typing too fast to pay attention to what Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are saying, but damn, Clooney is not happy about it.

8:41 - George's face was too much!!!!

woody harrelson looks so gross bald. NEVER AGAIN

Matt Damon's wife is ADORABLE.

8: 43 okay. this introducing is getting old.

8:43 also taylor lautner looks like a dog.

Taylor Lautner looks annoyed to be compared to Zac Efron, which is understandable, because Efron's hair looks worse than normal. He looks like he's been hanging out with Jared Leto.

God damn, Penelope Cruz. That dress is gorgeous.

I never saw the lovely bones, but I LOVE Stanley Tucci, and everything he does. Actually, I haven't seen any of these movies. But I want him to win.

8:44 - woody harrelson looks so gross bald. NEVER AGAIN

8:46 - totally knew christoph waltz was going to win!

8:46 - and his accent is my favorite thing ever

8:48- Stanley Tucci didn't win. But I've heard from people who actually saw these movies that Christoph Waltz should've won, and Stanley already has an Oscar, so I'm okay with it.

8:50- I have never understood the appeal of Ryan Reynolds. Not interested. I did, however, LOVE the Blind Side. I didn't really peg it as an Oscar movie, so I'm having some trouble stacking it up against the other nominees, but Sandra Bullock was pretty incredible in it.

WOW. Cameron Diaz looks GREAT. And tall. And Steve Carell, always my favorite.

8:58: UP is the only one of these movies I've seen, and I thought it was fantastic (and so sad!), so I'm happy to see it win. Plus that director looks really jazzed and kind of nerdy. I love it when the nerds win.

9:00- it that really how you say Amanda Seyfried's name? I really didn't like her dress before, but I like it way more than Miley's. Also, slow down, Miley Cyrus, jeez.

I didn't see the Princess Frog, but D has seen it twice already, so I'm sure he has some opinions on this. I do love Randy Newman, though. God, Marion Cotillard is so, so pretty. Aaaaand I haven't seen any of these other movies either. Man. I'm going to blame it on being a poor college student.

9:02 - why is miley cyrus on the oscars? america is going too far

9:04: "I love you more than rainbows"????? REALLY? Terrible.

9:05: Mmmmm, Chris Pine. District 9 looks dumb though. I really don't understand these weird commercials for movies during the show.

9:06 - i can't believe the wrestler 2.0 won.....

9:06 - SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY, the princess and frog didn't win. I hate life and these dumb ass people. Fuck you world.

9:06 - and this is super boring now.

9:10: AHHHHHH they're doing that same dumb thing SNL does where they show a set of commercials, then ten seconds of the actual show, then another set of commercials. NOT COOL, The Oscars.

9:11: HELL YES TINA FEY! Holding hands with RDJ! Good for you. And she looks awesome. He looks goofy. Their presentation is actually pretty funny, too, and I appreciate that.

9:14 - actually really loving this tina fey skit

9:16 - Tarantino looked pissed for not winning.

9:16: BATEMAN SIGHTING! And he shaved the beard. Thank God.

9:17: fucking molly ringwald?

9:17: Molly Ringwald! And Matthew Broderick! I accidentally typed Ferris Bueller the first time I wrote that. Oh jeez, her hair is terrible, as is her dress, but when she smiles she looks much prettier. The John Hughes tribute is nice, except for the ONE MEASLY CLIP of Duckie. What is that? I DEMAND MORE DUCKIE.

9:19: wait wait wait wait. jon hughes made home alone? too epic!!

9:23: Samuel Motherfucking Jackson. That is all.

9:29: Had to take a break to microwave some Chef Boyardee cuz I'm so classy and now I don't know what the hell's going on. But I love me some Zoe Saldana, even with that crazy dress she's wearing.

9:34: Did that be-muumuued woman just jack that dude's speech? AND she called him out for not being classy. You go, lady, cuz you ARE keeping it classy.

9:34 - she totally just hijacked his speech

[I died for the next hour and half just so you know.]

9:38: You know, I just don't think Ben Stiller is funny.

9:40: THE OOMPAH LOOMPAH FROM THE WILLY WONKA REMAKE WAS THE LITTLE WRINKLY GUY IN STAR TREK. I hope I'm not the only one who noticed that.

9:49: Damnit, I keep leaving to get a snack and missing stuff. This time I really needed a Toblerone. It happens.

9:50: Rachel McAdams looks cute. I really just want Precious to win all the awards, because I think Gabby Sidibe is so awesome and fabulous. That speech was really cute too.

9:52: HELL YES Queen Latifah. I love her so much. I feel like she'd be down to like, hang out and eat Doritos and talk about boys and how awesome we are. Lauren Bacall STILL has the sexiest voice ever, I don't know how old she is but she looks incredible.

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are holding hands. Wikipedia tells me that she wants to adopt kids, but I think those two owe it to the universe to create some beautiful, beautiful babies.

YES, Mo'Nique! She looks awesome in that color and I love her hairy legs.

10:05: Sigourney Weaver is SIXTY YEARS OLD! She looks amazing. I'm pulling for the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus on this one, which was some kind of crazy and beautiful, but of course Avatar wins. Bla.

10:09: Oh... wow. SJP is looking a hot mess. I'm rooting for Dr. Parnassus again, because I loved that tutu that Lily Cole wore. But alas, I am the only person who saw that movie, and the Young Victoria wins instead. The designer is wearing a sparkly beret and her speech is funny, and I want her to be my best friend.

10:18: Can we have a rousing collective, "SHUT UP, Kristen Stewart!" Her voice is so monotone, and I just want to smack her and make her stand up straight. I guess I still hold a grudge because I think I should've gotten the part of Joan Jett in The Runaways. I don't want to watch the horror movie tribute so I change the channel and watch 16 and Pregnant for a few minutes instead.

10:23: I switch back and Morgan Freeman is talking. I'm so over him. I never thought I would be, but the whole dating-your-27-year-old-step-granddaughter thing is a little too icky for me. We've hit the most boring part of the show.

10:25: The guy who won the sound editing award looks like Edgar Winter and that scientist dude from Independence Day's bastard child.

10:28: Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about Elizabeth Banks' dress. I think I like it but I don't like her hair.

10:35: Sandra Bullock reminds me why I like her and looks good doing it. Avatar bla bla bla. I didn't see Avatar but I've kind of turned against it because it got so much hype and I don't care at all.

10:37: Demi Moore is probably an alien or a robot or something, because homegirl is supposedly 47. I would be able to take the tribute to dead people much more seriously if James Taylor would shut up. His voice bugs me. Seeing Natasha Richardson up there makes me sad, but I do think it's funny that everyone had a title except Michael Jackson. It's just assumed that everyone already knows.

10:45: As soon as J. Lo. starts talking I am reminded that if I am ever trapped in a dark alley with her, I should RUN. I kind of love her, but I'm also terrified of her.

10:47: Why? Why is there modern dance at the Oscars?

10:49: I DO NOT LIKE. Make it go away.

10:51: WHY ARE THEY BREAKDANCING TO THE MUSIC FROM THE LION KING this is making my brain hurt. Stop it, Oscars. (PS I know that wasn't really the music from the Lion King. Shut up.)

10:52- J.Lo isn't messing around with the names of the nominees. She's zipping right through at record speed.

10:54- I just figured out how to do something crazy on my Mac and I've been tripping out for a few minutes, and now I don't know what's going on again.

10:55: Avatar won something else. Woopdi-freaking-doo.

10:57: I'm glad that even though they didn't let Gerard Butler or Bradley Cooper be funny, they did let Jason Bateman tell a joke. And I forgot they used that Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings song in that movie, so I'm glad they played part of it, because everyone should know about them.

11:01: WOAH those stairs move. VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: How much cuter could Matt Damon get? And the answer is none. None more cute.

11:05: HEY D: Explain to me why Tyler Perry is funny. OH WAIT YOU CAN'T HE'S NOT FUNNY.

11:10: I thought Tyler put some life into this otherwise boring as hell show.

11:06 I want that two person Snuggie. In fact, I demand one.

11:08: I just want to point out again that Kathryn Bigelow is hot, and I'm happy that her nerd editors won.

11:09: What the hell is Keanu Reeves doing here?

11:15: I really hate looking at Quentin Tarantino's face.

11:19: I don't understand why they only let Kathy Bates talk for a second and a half. Can't she just present all the awards?

11:24: Damn. This stage is like an argument for cougars right now.

11:27: HAHAHA I love how they just showed a close up of Clooney's face for a good two minutes. He still looks pissed off. But who cares about him (I don't know where that came from, I swear), Colin Firth is really my favorite.

These intros are really cute. Seeing Morgan Freeman all emotional makes me a little less creeped out by him. A little. And now I just want Colin Farrell to shut up.

11:32: I KNEW that was gonna happen. Even though I love Colin Firth, I could tell this was gonna be all about the Dude. "Groovy profession" BAHAHAHA I love this speech. Also, he's probably toasted.

11:33: Is this dude drunk?

11:38: what a dumb mcdonalds commercial

11:39: and the ipad looks like the dumbest thing ever

11:43: You know, I really hated her new hair at first, but Carey Mulligan looks really cute right now. I think I approve.

11:44: Oh man, if Gabby cries while Oprah is talking about her, I might cry too. Oh lord, now she's crying. I need a minute.

11:47: SHUT UP SEAN PENN. No one cares. I just want to know who won.

11:48: Wow. Did not see that coming. I was rooting for Gabby, but Sandra Bullock was really great in The Blind Side. And her speech was really sweet and funny. She seems like a cool, down-to-earth person, but I'm still a little disappointed.

11:53: I think it would be really cool if Kathryn Bigelow won, but seriously, as long as it's not that douchebag James Cameron, I don't really care who wins.

11:54: I changed my mind, because I didn't know that Quentin Tarantino was nominated. He should lose too.

11:55: Does anyone want to guess who Barbra Streissand was rooting for? I didn't see the Hurt Locker, I just wanted a girl to win, and ESPECIALLY for her to win over her ex-husband.

11:58: Tom Hanks! I feel like I should have more to say about this than that. I don't care about the Hurt Locker though. But Tom Hanks!

12:02: The Oscars, in my opinion, are far too long. They wear you down with all the boring stuff and then you're too sleepy to say anything funny by the time they get to the exciting parts. So goodnight, Oscars.

2:04: Please excuse my lack of hilarity tonight. I'm extremely disappointed in myself and plan to give myself a stern talking to tomorrow. And now I'm going to crash.

[Z]
[D]

It's Wednesday. This is the best I could come up with.

Today The Frisky posted three different videos that made me laugh really, really hard. Instead of putting them on Facebook, I'm going to post them here, so that no one will see them and enjoy. Enjoy, No One.

A Shot of Tequila Gets Me Real Hot Part 2

We here at BS Headquarters have made it pretty clear that we are firmly on Team Tila, but lately she hasn't been making it easy. I can deal with maybe-maybe not pregnancy rumors, nervous breakdowns, crazy accusations at her late fiancee's friends... but Tila may be going too far with this one.

Come ON, Tila! Work with us here! We tried, we really tried, to stand by throughout all your craziness. Mostly because the first season of A Shot at Love was so deliciously trashy. We didn't care that you were so obvious about your lack of talent and fame-whore tendencies. In fact, it made you better. And maybe there really was some talent there, because "I Like to Fuck" is a masterpiece. But really, Tila? You're gonna pull this crap on us? It seems lately like you really, really are going insane, and you should probably look into getting professional help. Maybe rehab. I don't know. Maybe this is all a joke to freak people out but I am seriously worried about you after Casey Johnson's death and your non-stop Twittering of incoherent madness and strange naked videos.

We just want you to get better, Tila, because we treasure you. As D likes to say, "If Ima be a ho, Ima be a top dolla ho." And you, Tila Tequila, are a top dolla ho. And for that, we salute you.

[EDIT: Just a few hours after I posted this, The Frisky posted this link http://www.buzzfeed.com/xjoliexgreenx/tila-tequila-gone-from-twitter-lc2 that says Tila has deleted her Twitter. I am taking full credit for it.-- Z]

I'M WARMING UP MY VOCALIZER

If you live in Virginia, or pretty much anywhere else on the East Coast, you are a true hero this weekend. Because we got a shit ton of snow, and it sucks. I've been stuck in my apartment by myself for two days now, and I'm starting to get cabin fever. Because I am a sane person, when I am trapped in my house for two days by myself, instead of trying to be productive, I watch TV all day. Also, as it turns out, I have a DVR! Who knew? Here are the movies I watched yesterday:

The Little Rascals (1994)

MY FAVORITE MOVIE from the time I was like, 5 until I was 10 and I saw Josie and the Pussycats (which was also on TV yesterday, but it was on a channel that I don't get and also I already have the DVD). My grandma has this movie on VHS and I watched it every single time I went to her house. Most of the movies I loved as a kid (The Parent Trap [ALSO on TV yesterday on a channel I don't get], Annie, Josie and the Pussycats) I have watched a million times since then and still enjoy the kitsch of, but I hadn't seen this movie in a very long time, so it was nice to remind myself how much I loved it. Unfortunately, I only saw the end, so I missed Spanky and Alfalfa's ballet performance, which I love. But I did get to see cameos by Whoopi Goldberg, Donald Trump, and Reba McEntire, which I forgot were in there. I got to see Waldo and Darla's duet at the talent show (OH MY GOD I WANTED HER RED DRESS SO BAD), and the go-cart race, and MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL, I saw the part where Porky gives Buckwheat his pickle, and Buckwheat sings "I have two pickles, I have two pickles, I have two pickles, hey hey hey!" which when you are six is THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD.

Office Space (1999)

A classic. I hold a deep-seated belief that if you really really don't want to do something, you don't have to. A couple years ago my dad tried to convince me that sometimes in life you just have to do things you don't want to know, but I really think that if you feel strongly enough, you can figure out a way to avoid it. If you really don't want to go to a PTA meeting, don't join the PTA. If you feel guilty and join anyway, you obviously didn't care that much about not going. If you don't want to do your taxes, go to jail. Or move to a different country. If you pay them anyway, then it wasn't that important to you.

Because of that, I seriously relate to Ron. Sometimes, I just don't want to do shit. So I don't.

This movie might be the most widely quoted of all time. Or at least of the 2000s. Mainly because of Milton "I Believe You Have My Stapler" Waddams. If you haven't seen this movie yet you are doing yourself a disservice. But you probably already have.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

When people say that George Clooney is not really a good actor, but just skates along on good looks and charming-ness, I always bring up this movie. Because as often as Intern George plays a version of himself in a movie, this movie is real acting. And it's really good. I've always been interested in Greek mythology and I love modern takes on ancient stories, so this re-imagining of the Odyssey is right up my alley. I think it won a bunch of awards (but I'm not actually going to go look it up), and it was also responsible for a resurgence in country and bluegrass music in the 2000s. That may or may not be a good thing to you, but I was raised on country music, and I think a lot of people don't give it a fair chance because they only know the pop shit they hear on the radio, which I don't like either, so I'm glad this movie got people listening to authentic music again. And, in case you didn't hear it the last time, um... Clooney.

Shallow Hal (2001)

My love for Jack Black is inversely proportionate to my, shall we say, distaste for that condescending bag of bones we call Gwyneth Paltrow. Except apparently good outweighs evil in this case because I love this movie more than I should. Because it's not good. Maybe it's Jason Alexander. Maybe he's what tips the scales (HAHAHA) for me.

Superbad (2007)

CHICKA CHICKA YEAH FAKE ID FAKE ID

Judd Apatow apparently has the exact same sense of humor because I love all of his movies. All of them. I was the only person who watched Freaks and Geeks when it was actually on television originally. I was in second grade. D hates Michael Cera but FUCK YOU D, I LOVE HIM AND I ALWAYS WILL. D also hasn't seen Arrested Development, which I posted about a while ago, so that might be part of it. I seriously don't care if he always plays himself. I like himself. And plenty of actors do it. Don't see this movie if you don't think sex jokes and very, very foul language are funny. I really really do, because at heart I am a thirteen year old boy. Therefore, I love Superbad.

The Wedding Singer (1998)

The only Adam Sandler movie I like. I watch this movie every single time it's on TV. And now I have it on DVR so I can watch Robbie's song about Linda and suicide OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

He's Just Not That Into You (2009)

I hadn't seen this movie before. It was a movie I decided I didn't care enough about to see it in theaters, but I was for sure going to watch it on TV a million times. My favorite story was about Ginnifer Goodwin's Gigi and Justin Long's Alex- it may not have been the most believable or realistic story, but this is a movie, damnit, and that doesn't matter. Plus the title is a message that I think a good portion of the female population seriously needs to figure out ASAP.

Benny and Joon (1993)

When I was in eighth grade the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out and EVERYONE was obsessed with Johnny Depp. I was less than enthusiastic, because he is two years older than my parents. However, then I saw Crybaby, and determined that I was just born in the wrong era for loving Johnny Depp. If this Benny and Joon were the movie that had come out when I was thirteen, I would have been in love with him too. I don't care if he's a little crazy, who isn't? I hadn't seen this movie before either but it was adorable. Also I was working on a abstract painting for a homework assignment while I watched it, and feeling pretty uninspired, but the shots of Joon squishing really thick paint around with her hands were exactly what I needed to see.

Bonus Round:

Right now I am watching Independence Day (1996). This is another movie I watch every time it's on TV. I don't care what anyone says, I love Will Smith. Plus his kid in this movie is BUCKWHEAT FROM THE LITTLE RASCALS. WHAT? There were a lot of funny connections like that from watching all those movies in a row. And Jeff Goldblum. Genius. I have always maintained that if I come into any kind of position of power and am required to give a speech, I will reenact word for word the President's speech at the end of this movie where he says, "And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!' We're going to live on! We're going to survive! TODAY, WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!" I won't take any questions, I won't explain, and I will walk away and let everyone be confused. It will be beautiful.

Plus, I love it when Will Smith punches the alien in the head.

Mariah Carey is AMAZING

Usually I don't follow Mariah Carey or the things she puts out but this video is just beautiful.

I just hope to be this amazing one day.

[EDIT: D is a liar. When "Touch My Body" came out, he literally could not stop singing it for several months. Like, he had Tourette's-like outbursts of this song.

-Z]

New Year. Same Old.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's 2010. And I haven't posted since my debut post about Tila. What the fuck is wrong with me??

Ehh..... For those people still reading (all one of you), I solemnly makes this promise.

1. I will make a post at least once a week, even if it's about some entirely stupid

2. I will try to make this blog more popular, so people at least want to check this daily.

So there.

Also, right now I'm watching a Degrassi marathon.....

It's totally making MY LIFE right now