WHAT THE HELL IS ATTACHED TO ANTONIO BANDERAS' BEAUTIFUL FACE? That beard might be even more tragic than Brad Pitt's.
I think Steve Martin is wearing a seat belt as he's being lowered to the stage. Oh dear. He's not THAT old.
OK, I stopped paying attention and I don't understand why everyone is picking on Meryl Streep. She's being a good sport though.
A Jerk reference! Awesome.
HOW DID JAMES CAMERON GET SO MANY PEOPLE TO MARRY HIM? Not an attractive man. Kathryn Bigelow, on the other hand, is looking fine.
Speaking of fine, Clooney is pissed. I'm typing too fast to pay attention to what Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are saying, but damn, Clooney is not happy about it.
8:41 - George's face was too much!!!!
woody harrelson looks so gross bald. NEVER AGAIN
Matt Damon's wife is ADORABLE.
8: 43 okay. this introducing is getting old.
8:43 also taylor lautner looks like a dog.
Taylor Lautner looks annoyed to be compared to Zac Efron, which is understandable, because Efron's hair looks worse than normal. He looks like he's been hanging out with Jared Leto.
God damn, Penelope Cruz. That dress is gorgeous.
I never saw the lovely bones, but I LOVE Stanley Tucci, and everything he does. Actually, I haven't seen any of these movies. But I want him to win.
8:44 - woody harrelson looks so gross bald. NEVER AGAIN
8:46 - totally knew christoph waltz was going to win!
8:46 - and his accent is my favorite thing ever
8:48- Stanley Tucci didn't win. But I've heard from people who actually saw these movies that Christoph Waltz should've won, and Stanley already has an Oscar, so I'm okay with it.
WOW. Cameron Diaz looks GREAT. And tall. And Steve Carell, always my favorite.
8:58: UP is the only one of these movies I've seen, and I thought it was fantastic (and so sad!), so I'm happy to see it win. Plus that director looks really jazzed and kind of nerdy. I love it when the nerds win.
9:00- it that really how you say Amanda Seyfried's name? I really didn't like her dress before, but I like it way more than Miley's. Also, slow down, Miley Cyrus, jeez.
I didn't see the Princess Frog, but D has seen it twice already, so I'm sure he has some opinions on this. I do love Randy Newman, though. God, Marion Cotillard is so, so pretty. Aaaaand I haven't seen any of these other movies either. Man. I'm going to blame it on being a poor college student.
9:02 - why is miley cyrus on the oscars? america is going too far
9:04: "I love you more than rainbows"????? REALLY? Terrible.
9:10: AHHHHHH they're doing that same dumb thing SNL does where they show a set of commercials, then ten seconds of the actual show, then another set of commercials. NOT COOL, The Oscars.
9:11: HELL YES TINA FEY! Holding hands with RDJ! Good for you. And she looks awesome. He looks goofy. Their presentation is actually pretty funny, too, and I appreciate that.
9:14 - actually really loving this tina fey skit
9:16 - Tarantino looked pissed for not winning.
9:16: BATEMAN SIGHTING! And he shaved the beard. Thank God.
9:17: fucking molly ringwald?
9:17: Molly Ringwald! And Matthew Broderick! I accidentally typed Ferris Bueller the first time I wrote that. Oh jeez, her hair is terrible, as is her dress, but when she smiles she looks much prettier. The John Hughes tribute is nice, except for the ONE MEASLY CLIP of Duckie. What is that? I DEMAND MORE DUCKIE.
9:19: wait wait wait wait. jon hughes made home alone? too epic!!
9:23: Samuel Motherfucking Jackson. That is all.
9:29: Had to take a break to microwave some Chef Boyardee cuz I'm so classy and now I don't know what the hell's going on. But I love me some Zoe Saldana, even with that crazy dress she's wearing.
9:34: Did that be-muumuued woman just jack that dude's speech? AND she called him out for not being classy. You go, lady, cuz you ARE keeping it classy.
9:34 - she totally just hijacked his speech
[I died for the next hour and half just so you know.]
9:38: You know, I just don't think Ben Stiller is funny.
9:40: THE OOMPAH LOOMPAH FROM THE WILLY WONKA REMAKE WAS THE LITTLE WRINKLY GUY IN STAR TREK. I hope I'm not the only one who noticed that.
9:49: Damnit, I keep leaving to get a snack and missing stuff. This time I really needed a Toblerone. It happens.
9:50: Rachel McAdams looks cute. I really just want Precious to win all the awards, because I think Gabby Sidibe is so awesome and fabulous. That speech was really cute too.
9:52: HELL YES Queen Latifah. I love her so much. I feel like she'd be down to like, hang out and eat Doritos and talk about boys and how awesome we are. Lauren Bacall STILL has the sexiest voice ever, I don't know how old she is but she looks incredible.
Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are holding hands. Wikipedia tells me that she wants to adopt kids, but I think those two owe it to the universe to create some beautiful, beautiful babies.
YES, Mo'Nique! She looks awesome in that color and I love her hairy legs.
10:05: Sigourney Weaver is SIXTY YEARS OLD! She looks amazing. I'm pulling for the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus on this one, which was some kind of crazy and beautiful, but of course Avatar wins. Bla.
10:09: Oh... wow. SJP is looking a hot mess. I'm rooting for Dr. Parnassus again, because I loved that tutu that Lily Cole wore. But alas, I am the only person who saw that movie, and the Young Victoria wins instead. The designer is wearing a sparkly beret and her speech is funny, and I want her to be my best friend.
10:18: Can we have a rousing collective, "SHUT UP, Kristen Stewart!" Her voice is so monotone, and I just want to smack her and make her stand up straight. I guess I still hold a grudge because I think I should've gotten the part of Joan Jett in The Runaways. I don't want to watch the horror movie tribute so I change the channel and watch 16 and Pregnant for a few minutes instead.
10:23: I switch back and Morgan Freeman is talking. I'm so over him. I never thought I would be, but the whole dating-your-27-year-old-step-granddaughter thing is a little too icky for me. We've hit the most boring part of the show.
10:25: The guy who won the sound editing award looks like Edgar Winter and that scientist dude from Independence Day's bastard child.
10:28: Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about Elizabeth Banks' dress. I think I like it but I don't like her hair.
10:35: Sandra Bullock reminds me why I like her and looks good doing it. Avatar bla bla bla. I didn't see Avatar but I've kind of turned against it because it got so much hype and I don't care at all.
10:37: Demi Moore is probably an alien or a robot or something, because homegirl is supposedly 47. I would be able to take the tribute to dead people much more seriously if James Taylor would shut up. His voice bugs me. Seeing Natasha Richardson up there makes me sad, but I do think it's funny that everyone had a title except Michael Jackson. It's just assumed that everyone already knows.
10:45: As soon as J. Lo. starts talking I am reminded that if I am ever trapped in a dark alley with her, I should RUN. I kind of love her, but I'm also terrified of her.
10:47: Why? Why is there modern dance at the Oscars?
10:49: I DO NOT LIKE. Make it go away.
10:51: WHY ARE THEY BREAKDANCING TO THE MUSIC FROM THE LION KING this is making my brain hurt. Stop it, Oscars. (PS I know that wasn't really the music from the Lion King. Shut up.)
10:52- J.Lo isn't messing around with the names of the nominees. She's zipping right through at record speed.
10:54- I just figured out how to do something crazy on my Mac and I've been tripping out for a few minutes, and now I don't know what's going on again.
10:55: Avatar won something else. Woopdi-freaking-doo.
10:57: I'm glad that even though they didn't let Gerard Butler or Bradley Cooper be funny, they did let Jason Bateman tell a joke. And I forgot they used that Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings song in that movie, so I'm glad they played part of it, because everyone should know about them.
11:01: WOAH those stairs move. VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: How much cuter could Matt Damon get? And the answer is none. None more cute.
11:05: HEY D: Explain to me why Tyler Perry is funny. OH WAIT YOU CAN'T HE'S NOT FUNNY.
11:10: I thought Tyler put some life into this otherwise boring as hell show.
11:06 I want that two person Snuggie. In fact, I demand one.
11:08: I just want to point out again that Kathryn Bigelow is hot, and I'm happy that her nerd editors won.
11:09: What the hell is Keanu Reeves doing here?
11:15: I really hate looking at Quentin Tarantino's face.
11:19: I don't understand why they only let Kathy Bates talk for a second and a half. Can't she just present all the awards?
11:24: Damn. This stage is like an argument for cougars right now.
11:27: HAHAHA I love how they just showed a close up of Clooney's face for a good two minutes. He still looks pissed off. But who cares about him (I don't know where that came from, I swear), Colin Firth is really my favorite.
These intros are really cute. Seeing Morgan Freeman all emotional makes me a little less creeped out by him. A little. And now I just want Colin Farrell to shut up.
11:32: I KNEW that was gonna happen. Even though I love Colin Firth, I could tell this was gonna be all about the Dude. "Groovy profession" BAHAHAHA I love this speech. Also, he's probably toasted.
11:33: Is this dude drunk?
11:38: what a dumb mcdonalds commercial
11:39: and the ipad looks like the dumbest thing ever
11:43: You know, I really hated her new hair at first, but Carey Mulligan looks really cute right now. I think I approve.
11:44: Oh man, if Gabby cries while Oprah is talking about her, I might cry too. Oh lord, now she's crying. I need a minute.
11:47: SHUT UP SEAN PENN. No one cares. I just want to know who won.
11:48: Wow. Did not see that coming. I was rooting for Gabby, but Sandra Bullock was really great in The Blind Side. And her speech was really sweet and funny. She seems like a cool, down-to-earth person, but I'm still a little disappointed.
11:53: I think it would be really cool if Kathryn Bigelow won, but seriously, as long as it's not that douchebag James Cameron, I don't really care who wins.
11:54: I changed my mind, because I didn't know that Quentin Tarantino was nominated. He should lose too.
11:55: Does anyone want to guess who Barbra Streissand was rooting for? I didn't see the Hurt Locker, I just wanted a girl to win, and ESPECIALLY for her to win over her ex-husband.
11:58: Tom Hanks! I feel like I should have more to say about this than that. I don't care about the Hurt Locker though. But Tom Hanks!
12:02: The Oscars, in my opinion, are far too long. They wear you down with all the boring stuff and then you're too sleepy to say anything funny by the time they get to the exciting parts. So goodnight, Oscars.
2:04: Please excuse my lack of hilarity tonight. I'm extremely disappointed in myself and plan to give myself a stern talking to tomorrow. And now I'm going to crash.
[D]
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