SLotAT

WHAT DID I TELL YOU? Didn't I say that this show was a magical viewing experience and was not to be missed? Didn't I tell you to catch up on hulu in time to see the season premiere of Secret Life? I WAS NOT KIDDING.

D and I were im-ing through the entire episode. Topics included:

1) Secret Life trying to use Avril Lavigne to seem cool and edgy when that song came out like four years ago, and it wasn't even cool then.

2) Grace is a whore now and that was the most unrealistic "first time" scene of all time.

[D]Really, I feel like it is an unwritten rule that everyone's "first time" must be extremely awkward and seriously disappointing. Any stories to the contrary are lies. [/D]

Also, EW. EWEWEW. EWWWWWWWWWWW. I kind of just wanted to punch her in the face.

3) What is up with the use of the word "breasts" like a million times in the first ten minutes? I really think there's something wrong with the writers. Something really wrong and now they want to punish the rest of us.

4) The lead character of this show is completely unlikeable! How did they manage that? Poor girl, her only real crime is being born with the name Shailene Woodley, which she couldn't control anyway, probably to some stage parents who moved her to LA when she told them she wanted to be an actress. Somehow she winds up on this terrible terrible show, with no discernible acting ability, and she can't really help it that instead of making Amy seem like a girl who makes a bad decision and winds up in a terrible circumstances, someone we pity but feel optimistic about, she just seems horrible. Especially after the baby is born and she's got some kind of awful hormones raging.

5) Why does Amy hate meat now? That was scary.

6) Who didn't realize that Grace's brother was gonna screw something up? I still don't understand what his function is on the show. I guess hiring an actor who actually has Down's Syndrome is admirable, but every scene he's in is just painful and hard to watch.

[D] PD has come to the decision that they tricked that poor boy into being on this show and I kind of believe it. He probably thinks this is some kind of game and is fooled into being on this show. And I would give this show credit for employing a type of actor not normally seen in television, if they didn't give him such horrible dialogue. There was a whole story arc, if you can call it that, where Tom and his girlfriend Tammy, who also has Down's syndrome, try to get married and talk about having sex. That was the worst. [/D]

7) The only person I like on this show is Jack's mentee from last season, because he has the same horribly written lines as everyone else ("I don't understand the time trial aspect of the whole thing. I think the important thing is cleanliness, comfort, and safety") but actually manages to make them funny.

8) George is a douchebag and referencing the Fountainhead does not make you clever or witty.

[D]George is easily the worst person on this show full of horrible people. Telling your soon to be ex-wife's new boyfriend that she's pergnant without even asking her if she is, is probably one of the worst things to do ever. [/D]

9) Adrian is a hypocrite and how is it that Ricky is supposed to be so wise now? And every speech is supposed to be SO EPIC.

10) TWIST! WHO COULDN'T HAVE SEEN COMING THAT STORYLINE- AND LIFE-ALTERING TWIST! DAMN I love this show.

[D] I LOVEEE that this is how they decide to write out the father character. In That's So Raven, the mom goes to law school in England. In Lizzie McGuire, Lalaine goes to Mexico for a vacation. And in Secret Life, the dad dies in some random plane crash on some random trip that we never heard about. Like that happens all the time. [/D]

11) That kid wasn't even sad about his dad dying! Not at all! Playing golf with Jesus? WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS SHOW?

12) Adrian was so unenthusiastic in that PSA about sex at the end. Sounded like someone didn't agree with the obligatory propaganda written into her contract...

13) The baby is definitely a robot.

14) [D] The asians are RIDICULOUS. I must say that they have to be my favorite characters just because of their dialogue and their basic personalities. The girl Asian likes to give random sex facts and is really just a huge ho. And the guy asian has the sexual repressedness i love in my asians. What other characters have conversations like, "I don't understand how you can be so good at making out and so bad at sex." and "Don't hate me because I'm sexually active."

LOVVEEE <3

15) I just need to talk about this horrible cast picture because it offends me so much.

The hair of the boys on this show makes them look like they are from 1953 and should be telling Potsie to sit on it. NO ONE, not even real hos, dress like Adrian. Especially in high school. And Amy does not look like pregnant. She looks like she just put a basketball under her dress. [/D]

AND THEN that bullshit new gymnastics show, which is basically just a rip-off of that bullshit gymnastics movie that came out a while ago. Every character is the same as the characters from the movie. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME. Except instead of getting arrested, she's there on a scholarship. And instead of being a previously great gymnast who joins back up, she's a newbie. Even so, same exact thing.

AND THEN SLOTAT AGAIN! What a magical night of television.

Also, remaking 10 Things I Hate About You as a TV show is a TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MISTAKE. Just going on the record with that now. And remaking "I Want You to Want Me" is possibly an even worse idea, because the original was good enough, and then the Letters to Cleo version from the movie was fine, and the new one sounds like the Pussycat Dolls bought guitars.

900 Channels and on Not One of Them Can I See Lemmy Killmeister Mime a Violin

There are a bajillion reasons why the internet is the greatest thing ever invented ever. One of them is because HOW DOES IT WORK?! Crazy. Another one of them is because all the shows that aren't available on American television can all be found one way or another. Which is how I've discovered my new obsessions:

Maybe I'm a little late on this one, because everybody seems to already know how great this show is, but holy bajeebus, I am in love with SKINS. I started watching when I saw Dev Patel on Ellen talking about it (and can I just say, he might be the cutest ever), and now I'm hooked. I'm only on the second season, but seriously, why doesn't this show run in America? Start watching right now. DO IT.

Secondly, have you ever watched an American reality show and thought, this must be the dumbest thing in the entire universe? That other countries can't possibly have worse shows than ours? That's probably not true, but when you start feeling fed up with American game shows, look into Never Mind the Buzzcocks:

Possibly I only think it's hilarious because I can identify most of the musicians on the show. But come on, that was LEMMY KILLMEISTER. FROM MOTORHEAD. In the few clips I've seen (read: twelve thousand youtube videos I watched yesterday), Chrissie Hynde, Amy Winehouse (pre-crackpipe and pre-beehive, looking very healthy and coherent), Adam Ant, and a Spice Girls tribute band have appeared on the show. I'm fascinated. I don't get it, but I love watching it.

A Shot of Tequila Gets Me Real Hot

I REALLYYY want to hate Tila Tequila.

I try SO hard to. But really, I love her. She is the trashiest thing to ever exist and that's partly as to why I love her. I feel like I could catch herpes just by writing her name on my computer. That's how dirty she is. And she's kind of pretty in a "really nice hotel, like the Four Seasons" kind of way. She looks pretty good on the exterior, but you know that if you turned on a black light, that she would light up like a fluorescent Sun.


It's truly beautiful that in America, you can become famous from posting basically naked pictures of yourself and then getting a million friends on a site designed to make friends. I guess that just means she's super good at her job. I think that deserves some acknowledgement...

Happy Tila? You should be.

The best thing about Tila, however, is her defining characteristic.
Being a bisexual. She likes boys and girls. (But really she probably doesn't. I feel like Tila is one of those bisexual girls that likes girls only to make boys really horny. But maybe, she actually does like girls. She mentions it enough and SEEMS to enjoy boobs and ass.)

But that's ultimately the essence of Tila. A bi whore. Who has a lot of friends.


Oh and she raps.
Her rapping is what helped me refind my love for her.
I remember one day a beautiful, classy song from her and I just had to listen.

And you must too.



Pretty good, right?
I mean that Hot Rod, tries to be nasty, but Tila beats the shit out of him with a wet noodle in terms of vulgarity.

"I like to fuck. Suck cock until I hurl."
Umm...I'm pretty sure that can't be enjoyable at all.
"Squirt like the wipers on my hot car."
Disgusting. Gross. Yet so visual. Brings up a specific vivid image into your head, right?

I also really like this song.



I really like it because she saying that she doesn't fuck other people's men, but from what I hear she does.
Evidence?




Ohh Tila....
Ray J? Honestly? You couldn't have moved a step up to Marlon Wayan?

But really, Tila is the bee knees for me because she can be as trashy as wearing a wedding cake of makeup on her face and getting a Victoria bob and still be amazingly infatuating. There's also her reality show, but that's another post for another time.





Until then, Tila...
You still have a shot at love. Are you interested?

[Z: I know D posted this a million years ago, but I have to add something that I just found:

LOOK HOW CUTE BABY TILA IS!!!

/Z]

My Friend Penguindude

I don't really know how this happened, and I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about it, but I feel like I need to say something about this: 

D and I have a friend who is swiftly becoming an internet sensation for posting himself dancing to k-pop songs on Youtube.

Yeah. He's kind of famous now. I always thought it was just kind of a funny hobby and an interesting conversation starter, until I saw his latest video:

I am so in love with this video, it is ridiculous. And I want the world to know about it.

The Secret American Pregnant Girl

Who else is crazy excited about the new season of SLotAT? The premiere is in TWO WEEKS, people. Which means you only have two weeks to hulu all the old episodes if you haven't seen them yet. And trust, you are going to want to have seen them. The show, for those of you who don't have the sense to have been watching it from the beginning, follows Amy Juergens who is fifteen and pregnant. For the first ten episodes or so I had no idea what any of the characters' names were and referred to them all as "Pregnant Girl," or "Christian Girl," or "Slutty Girl," or "Weird Monotone Sister." Seriously, they are all easily described in one word. Except Weird Monotone Sister, whose name, as it turns out, is Ashley. There are no words that can accurately describe that magic.

So at the end of the last season, Amy actually had her baby, decided to keep it, and named it John, all because her weird sister told her too. In monotone. That was the greatest monologue in the history of television, because it was dumb and un-inspirational and all one note. And also, why would anyone listen to what Ashley has to say? She is clearly some kind of robot, and doesn't feel emotion. What ever happened to that storyline where she was kind of a slutty goth? Did that just disappear? And what was up with that dumb running joke where no one knew how old she was? Did anyone actually think that was funny?

[Edit from D] So, here's a video of Ashley's speech that I made. Quality's not the greatest, but the speech is. Seriously. Best. Thing. Ever.

As you can see, this show leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Like, why doesn't Amy's hair EVER MOVE? Who was in charge of casting and what exactly is wrong with them? Is George on meth? Why couldn't Molly Ringwald get a better job than this? Is Ashley a robot? Is that Asian girl a robot? Why are there so many robots on this show? And most importantly, WHO IS WRITING THE WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE FOR THIS SHOW and why do they hate grammar? Because it is the greatest thing I've ever read. Seriously, go check it out right now for gems like:

Leo Boykewich- Ben's widowed father. He is known as "The Sausage King." He comforts Anne after she learns the truth about George. He trusts Ben to do the right thing and is one of the first to suspect Amy's pregnancy. He is also one of the first to find out that Ben and Amy got married illegally. He is of Italian descent, he has an accent. He helps Ben and Ricky care for the baby by giving them jobs at his butcher shop.

PURE GOLD. The dialogue on this show is simply spectacular, and the New York Post described the characters as "...real and come from families of all stripes — from intact to single-parent households to one boy in foster care..." which leads to the question- has the New York Post reviewer ever met a person before? Because it seems like anyone who's ever met a person before in their life couldn't possibly regard any character on this show as seeming "real." Of course, that's why we all love it. And that's why in two weeks I WILL be watching intently, and you should be too.

Sooo....New Blog, right?

I don't really know how one goes about starting a new blog, but I feel like an opening post is required by the blog gods, or something.

This is a place for discussion of pop culture. All of the ridiculous that we as a society seem to eat up endless. Topics are handpicked by me and Z, but you could always ask our opinion on something and I'm sure we'd make a post. Maybe. It depends, we're kind of hateful bitches as you'll see.

But yeah, this is place for discussion. Comment on posts. Give us your opinions. Let us know how you feel. Advice is always welcome. And pretty soon, we'll have some pretty regular features that you'll enjoy.

So yeah, that's that.
Enjoy.

D